Remembering Dad

Conference weekend began like any other. We gathered as a family to enjoy the messages prepared by our beloved leaders. On Sunday morning, just two weeks into Dad's treatment, we received the update that they were taking him in to the hospital for re-hydration. He had been struggling with it quite a bit. I don't know all the specifics but from what I understood, because his kidneys were already failing, they had to go with a specific chemo treatment that was harsh in ways that could have been minimized had his kidneys been working properly. He was especially nauseous and couldn't keep anything down. We believed that day, April 1st would be much the same as the previous times he was taken in, that they would get him hydrated intravenously and send him home. However, just as the last session ended Sunday afternoon, we received a call from Weston's sister who was here from Kansas to help take care of him full time, telling us we better get to the hospital as quickly as we could. That's when we knew...he wasn't going to make it.

Weston and I sped across town, praying the entire way that he could hold on long enough for us to say our goodby's and express our love for him. It's amazing we made it there in one piece too, traveling in excess of 90 mph the whole way. It wasn't until we left the hospital that night that we realized we had made that journey on TWO nearly flat tires. Oh, when I think how dangerous it was traveling that fast! We were very blessed indeed.

The reality of what was happening hit us like a shock wave as we were racing to get there in time. We both cried and prayed out loud and silently in our hearts the whole way there. When we finally arrived, we rushed in hoping against all hope that we weren't too late but to our dissappointment we learned that his heart had failed about 10 minutes before we got there. To this day, the doctors are still not sure why. We just know that it did. He was gone for 10 minutes before they could get him stable on life support but he would never again open his eyes.

About an hour later, we were brought into the ICU. One by one we put our arms around him and expressed our love. They say that the veil is quite thin at moments such as these, that you can literally feel the presence of loved ones on the other side. I KNOW this is true. We all felt it. It was such a difficult experience, losing this man that we loved so dearly and yet at the same time we felt a calm and a peace that cannot be described. We knew he was there. He was at peace and no longer in pain. He was happy and he LIVED.

The next week was such a blur. Family came from all over the states so it was quite wonderful to see everyone again. We were in shock over losing Weston's dad. I felt especially sad for those who don't live here because of how much time they missed with him. It had been weeks and months for some of them since the last they had seen their own father. I realized what a blessing it is to live so close to family and to never take for granted the opportunities we have to visit and be together often.

We laughed and cried as a family a lot that week, sharing our favorite and most memorable stories of him as we worked through the difficult process of planning his services. It was beautiful really, our laughter. I caught myself sitting back and just quietly watching this family that I love so much, with tears in their eyes and smiles on their faces. I know dad loved it too.

I also realized in those quiet moments, with such strong clarity, that I would do anything to be with these people for all eternity. I'm grateful for the knowledge that that is even possible. What a wonderful privilege!

Dad's services where AMAZING!!! Everything came together better than hoped for and it was evident that this man was not only cherished by us but he was thoroughly loved by MANY, MANY people. He made an unforgettable impact on hundreds of lives and he will NEVER be forgotten.

That last photo breaks my heart in ways that are hard to express. It makes me ponder how devastated I would feel if I lost Weston. This is a grief, at this point in my life that thankfully, I can only imagine. I know our time will come one day when we will be separated if only for a while. It's at times like these when you remember how important it is to cherish your loved ones, especially your spouse. No one is promised tomorrow.

As I wrap up this post four months later, I can you that we still feel his loss every time we gather as a family. We miss him terribly and so do my kids. We love to look often at these photos below, my kids especially, to remember all the things we loved about him. I'm so very grateful for the time we had.

 I love you dad...

...and I miss you.